Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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