i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
