I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
