Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
