Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
