Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
