my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
