Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
