I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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