dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
