I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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