Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
