oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
