He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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