This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
