I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
