I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
