I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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