its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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