Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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