I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
