this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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