I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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