We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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