Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
