I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize