I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
