My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
