my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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