Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
