omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
