I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
