i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
