Apparently you make a good broom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
