Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
