I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
