After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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