True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
