Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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