I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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