OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
