using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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