Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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