I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
