I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's never too late to be topless.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
