Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
