I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
