My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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