So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
