I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
