Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
