I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
