So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
