OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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