i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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