dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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