They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
