Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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