he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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