Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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