All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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